Promoted as an evening of 'glamour with added lager', The First Annual Rose and Crown Wet T-Shirt competition began innocuously enough. A large crowd had gathered together in the saloon bar where Mr. Mullin had made the necessary preparations for a busy nights entertainment stocking up on extra nuts and pork scratchings.

'We'd decided to shift the dartboard into the snug which wasn't particularly popular with some of our older regulars but I though it was necessary to create as much space as possible for what was inevitably going to be a spectacular event. I then knocked up a temporary stage out of some empty kegs and old bit of chipboard kindly supplied by Donaldson's Hardware and rigged up a sound system using some gear that Horsley's Hi-Fi leant me.

In fact, everyone in the town had been incredibly helpful when it came to setting up this event. Ian McKinney at the National Bank was most generous in ensuring I had enough cash for the float, Dodd's Bookshop printed all the associated literature free of charge, Walkers Chips, the local computer store networked the entire pub ensuring the event could go out live on the 'world wide net' or whatever it's called and even Mr Aslett at the garage donated some oil which he said "might come in handy at the latter stages of the competition" '

'That cash till was going fifteen the dozen," commented Maureen Mullin. 'At first I was a bit dubious about having scantily clad individuals parading up and down the saloon but it didn't take me long to agree with my husbands reasoning. We we're quite literally coining it. It's just a shame that it all went pearshaped.'

'From what I can understand the initial flashpoint came when the contest reached the semi-final stage. By this time the punters had been drinking for a good few hours and Mr.Mullin had exhausted his supply of Speckled Hen. In hindsight it probably wasn't a good decision on his part to send local off licence owner Tim Lucas back to his lockup to pick up six dozen cases of Special Brew.

Any road up, the semi-final was an all Asian affair between Dotty, constant companion of Rovers midfield maestro Tim Horsley and newcomer to the village Esmenia Hernandez who has a temporary position (visa still pending) at Walkers Chips working for Mr. Simon Walker.

It would appear that Mr Walker took it upon himself to question the fairness of the spraying techniques1 being applied by Omis Walsh who incidentally had offered his 'after event refuse services' free of change. Mr Walker insisted that Esmenia wasn't 'getting enough juice' and in an attempt to rectify the situation removed one of the regulation fire extinguishers from the mens room and let her have it, full nozzle'

'Well, it was all I could do to keep hold of my sponges. Tim Horsley obviously wasn't going to take this lying down and I watched as he grasped two cans of Special Brew, shook them vigorously and sprayed Dotty from head to toe. Unfortunately however, most of the lager went over Mr Walsh who, wearing his Old Tunavillians Rugby shirt, wasn't to pleased. He turned the spray gun on Mr Horsley, missed and caught Maureen full on. That's when things got very confusing to be honest 'cos she wasn't even supposed to be in the competition

'From a commercial perspective I'd say that overall it was a success' commented Francesca Walker. 'The shop has been associated with a right old knees up that everyone's talking about and that's got to be good for business hasn't it? The only question is whether I start to stock fire extinguishers in the future as demand is bound to be high.'

NB. In the rules of the competition each contestant is sprayed with water by an impartial observer. In the contest at the Rose and Crown, anyone who donated goods and/or services was given an opportunity to act as sprayer under the watchful eye of local adjudicator Brian Allen

Representatives from the National Heritage department have already declared the site one of outstanding historical value. As a consequence, the controversial TSTW has been shelved. The discovery is an huge bonus to the local authority as it no longer need to continue with a hugely expensive white elephant but can look forward to a huge boost in the tourist TUN$ in the years to come.

Andy Walsh, Managing Director of KUNZ Environmental had this to say :

"The disappointment of not being able to continue with this tremendous environmental project has been tempered by the generous attitude of the local council in paying us, KUNZ in full including anticipated bonuses. I doubt whether they will be so generous when it comes to resuming the remainder of the Garden Centre.

An additional benefit to me personally is that now all ties between KUNZ and the Council have been terminated, I can now announce that I will now throw my hardhat into the political arena and run for the office of Mayor of Tunaville. Those of you who wish to get an insight of my campaign strategy can join me at the Rose and Crown where, to use the words of our local hero Donny Donaldson, the Speckled Hens are on me !"

'It's about time someone bald took a position of prominence in the community to be honest. Hairy people have had it far too good for too long and now hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel for those of us who are follically challenged. By the way, have you seen my badger ?"