. . at least until the novelty wears off!

 

1st October 1999 Weather : Rather pleasant, thank you !

NATIONAL BANK OF TUNAVILLE INVOLVED IN OUTRAGEOUS BID

The business community of Tunaville was left reeling on Friday, when the National Bank put in a stunning bid for the vacant premises at 44, the High Street. The plan is to move from their present site at the top end of town, opposite the War Memorial.

Explained the Chairman, Mr. Ian McKinney ;

" It makes sense as it is a natural fit for us. The new premises are very spacious and we are in lengthy discussions with Mrs. Judy Lucas regarding the furnishings. Of course there is a price to pay, but we would anticipate that this will put the Bank on a secure footing well into the new millenium. I can confidently predict that despite major restructuring, for instance my office will now be south facing with a fine view over the village green, as opposed to it's old position overlooking the high street, there will be no, and I want to make this clear, job losses as a consequence. Brian, my deputy, should have nothing to fear."
There has as yet been no mention of price, but it is expected that the bid was well in excess of that being asked by the owner. Local townsfolk were shocked by the speed of the move. Mr. Mitchell at the bakery commented
"It's truly very aggressive and clearly indicates that the National Bank is intent on becoming a major market participant. One can only commend them for both the audacity of such a gamble and the bravery involved in making such a decision."
One voice of discontent came however from Mr. Slaughter at the butchers :

" I think it would have been easier and more convenient for all concerned if they had rented out the Snug bar at the 'Rose and Crown' for the amount of time the staff of the bank seem to spend there. Does moving to a new premise mean that I may be able to get my takings cashed up of a lunchtime ? I am sick to death of the bank being closed everyday between the hours of 12 and 3. I don't believe for one minute that the staff are at an important meeting, as the sign says on the door, as everytime I pop over to the 'Rose and Crown' for lunch I bump into them."
Mr. McKinney's reply to this accusation was that as most of the negotiations over the new premises had indeed taken place in the local hostelry, it may have looked to an outsider that the staff were seemingly spending too much time away from the office, but that this was merely an unfortunate coincidence.

 

BOOKSHOP IN THE HIGH STREET TO CLOSE ?

Revelations made by Mr. David Dodd on the Donny Donaldson radio show, (in a new series where he interviews local townsfolk,) about the frailty of his own financial position , has put in grave doubt the future of Tunaville's only bookshop. For ages now, rumours have swept the village about outstanding debts owed by Mr. Dodd and in an attempt to set the record straight he has endeavored this week, through the local media, to ease people's worst fears. An exclusive statement made to the Gazette, read as follows :

" It is true and there's no point denying it, that I am currently experiencing some temporary cash flow problems. It all started when my wife and I bought the 'Old Barn' from Mr. Donaldson up at fifty acre field. We thought it would make wonderful accomodation when converted, but not only did we seem to hit the top of the market and thus get stuck with negative equity on the property, but we truly underestimated the cost of the renovation work that needed to be done. Fortunately the local Ironmongers have been very kind in offering me credit for the bits and pieces I required. However this has come at a time when I have witnessed a significant downturn in business at the shop.

For some reason, people in the last year have not been buying books in the same quantity as previously. The Video shop does not seem to do too badly, but I have faced increased competition from the local Newsagents, now that Mr. Lucas is offering a limited selection of video titles in his shop. Furthermore to exacerbate the situation my wife's outdoor catering company has not truly prospered due to the unseasonably bad weather we have been experiencing."

However let me put people's minds at rest and say that those who are owed money, particularly Mr. Donaldson at the Ironmongers and Mr. Paul Mullin at the 'Rose and Crown' will all eventually be paid. Indeed Mr. Donaldson has been more than kind in offering me some part-time work at the weekend at his new Garden Centre and if last weekend's business was anything to go by, there should be plenty of overtime available. My wife is also exploring the possibility of getting some part time work at 'Ange's Beauticians', so the message to the community is please bear with me and I will do everything in my power to clear my outstandings and more importantly save the shop, which I might add has been a feature in Tunaville for hundred's of years."
The Gazette would like to commend Mr. Dodd for his honesty in making this statement. We totally support him in his efforts to resolve this matter and call on the generous nature of the people of this wonderful community to offer any assistance to him tthat is possible.

 

MULTIPLE PILE UP AT NEW JUNCTION

Police rushed to the scene of a major collision last night at the junction of Pattens Hill and the High Street. In what turned out to be a major stretch of local resources, emergency services acted promptly to avert a potential disaster involving at least 3 vehicles.

At approx. 11:25 p.m., three vehicles collided causing major holdups at what is traditionally a busy time of the evening as residents of Tunaville make their way home.

One eyewitness, Mrs. Maureen Mullin said :

"I was just on my way back from the 24hr cash and carry in Bigtown where they're currently doing a special offer on sweet potatoes . . well, I thought they'd go nicely with the rabbit pie special we're doing on Tuesdays at the moment. Any road up, I suddenly heard this enormous crash. I span round to see a white Ford Anglia I think it was, burried in the back of what if I'm not mistaken was a 1973 Alfa Romeo Spider twin cam 16V with an overhead cam. Well, I was astounded. I mean you just don't see that many 16 valve Spiders anymore, do you ?"
Another witness to the disaster was Special Constable Tinker :
"Yes, well I was following up on some previous enquiries at Ange's Beauty Parlour when I heard this grinding sound of metal upon metal. So I managed to lift my head up, look out of the upstairs window of said establishment just in time to see the bus driven by Mrs. McKinney launch itself upon the white Ford. It was quite a shunt, I can tell you"
It was later revealed that Mrs. McKinney, who was driving the No. 87 Night Bus from Bigtown back into Tunaville, was thankfully unhurt in the incident. The bus was as usual full of passengers returning from an increasingly popular bingo evening currently being sponsored by 'Donaldsons Garden Center : A Shrub for all Occasions !'

Police were quickly on the scene led by Chief Constable Thompson :

"Claims to have seen a 'shabilly dressed figure' leaving the scene in a hurry clutching a can of some description have been voiced by a number of residents. Subsequently we are looking into the matter very seriously indeed and I must add that we are obviously appealing to the public." - (There's a lead in if ever I saw one - ed.)
The Gazette can confirm that this is the fourth known incident in as many weeks at the controversial junction. Public opinion has been divided as to the benefits to the community since a set of traffic lights was erected approx. four weeks ago. This latest incident seems likely to prolong the discussion well into the future.