I wish to thank the many residents of Tunaville who sent flowers and good-will messages following my recent accident in the pile-up at the Patten Hill junction. After a thorough examination at the local Casualty Department it would appear that I have a minor whiplash injury and will be in a cervical collar for a few weeks. Apart from the whiplash and a few bruises I am fighting fit and back driving the No. 87 bus. Mr Aslett at the garage has done a fine job of repairing the said vehicle and I wish to thank him for doing such a speedy repair.

Yours recoveringly,

Ann McKinney

P.S. I am actually sitting my driving test a week on Tuesday which should allay the fears of those Tunaville residents who have, in the past, doubted my driving abilities. I must also point out that I was in no way responsible for the accident - I was on my mobile phone at the time and therefore with one hand on the steering wheel, I was in total control of my vehicle.

When we done read the terrible news about the dire financial straits of that nice Mr. Dodd, I said to the family, "She-it, after all that nice man has done entertaining Junior here, we can't stand around and let him be kicked out of that store of his." So the Baker family has begun a personal cru-sade to help him out. Junior started up a little lemonade stand; Unfortunately, we found out that one of the neighbor kids done p****d in it, so we had to give all the money back.

Tammy Sue organized a bake sale at the local church, but dad-burn-it, a tornado blew through town and there was corn muffins and apple pie scattered from here to Red Fish Lake in the next county.

Then Billy Bob, that's my brother, came up with the idea of getting all them fancy country n western singers together to make a charity song - Tammy Sue came up with the name "Dodd Aid". So we contacted Hank and Tammy and George and Charlie and Shania (well bid Ed.) and Garth and Clint and a few others. Unfortunately, they're all busy or have some contract clause that says they can't be helping out nobody unless they be either a Bosnian or a black fella in Africa, which I don't think Mr. Dodd is.

Anyway, the Bakers don't discourage easy now, so Billy Bob done put together his own band - there's One-Eyed-Joe on the wash tub base, and there's Carl on the jug, and Billy Bob on the banjo. You know, those boys came with a real toe-tapper - they call it "HBO Killed The Video Store" - haven't sold any copies yet but cousin Jimmy Ray heard that someone over in Lone Tree might buy one.

We're confident that "Dodd Aid" is going to be right successful and we'll git the money together to help get that nice fella back on his feet.

And another thing, tell Mr. Dodd that if that banker man keeps on a hassling him, to let ol' Joe Bob know. Me and some of the boys will come on over and have a little talk "Texas Style" with that banker.

God Bless Y'all

Joe Bob Baker
Laredo, Texas

It was with much surprise and disgust that whilst in the local corner shop the other day, I discovered a young boy, roughly 10 years of age, reading material which at the least, I can only decsribe as utter filth.

Surely this material belongs on the top shelf of the magazine rack, or better still, behind the shop counter. Placed next to Which Hi-Fi or Auto Sport means that anyone above 3'6" can easily reach it. Also, with my bad back, I find it very difficult to subtley bend down this far.

Yours,

Name and Address Supplied

I would like to apologise to all residents of the village, for the significant increase in the amount of traffic in the area last Sunday, caused by the opening of my new Garden Centre. Despite offering car-parking facilities for 100 cars, this did not prove sufficient and the rush we experienced meant that people who had made the journey from Bigtown endeavored to find parking in Tunaville high street.

I am truly sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you all and I am working very closely with the local constabulary to ensure that this situation does not arise again in the future.

Mr. N. Donaldson
The Manor House
Tunaville

I would like to reply to Mr Tinkers letter concerning the naming of the Rose and Crown and his assumptions that I am trying to recreate my ideal English village with a soppy pub name etc etc.

As a self appointed historian he should know that the Rose is derived from that famous Asian irritation "Saigon Rose " and the Crown came from the King in "Kings Castle", the famous hostlery in Patpong Road, Bangkok.

I am sure that Tunaville is steeped in history and I would be happy to hear more from Mr Tinker on the subject. In fact I will provide some space in the public bar of the pub once a week for Mr Tinker and anyone else who would like to discuss the history of the village.

How about Tuesday evenings at 7 pm ? When you have both finished we can let the Darts players in for their weekly fixture at 7.05.

Cheers

Paul Mullin,
Rose and Crown

Football, football, football. Does the Gazette feel there's nothing else worth reporting on from the Tunaville sporting arena ? What about the local cricket team ? Or how about the occasional report from the rather exciting Darts and Skittles league that meets twice a week at the Rose and Crown ?

I know football's popular with the local community, particularly since Mr. Donaldson took over as manager and revitalised what was, let's be honest a particularly shabby bunch, but quite frankly there are a number of us who would much prefer to read about other varied sporting activities, than suffer the on-field antics of 'High Kick' Horsley and his chums !

Yours etc,

Name and Address Supplied

Is it my imagination or do the drains in the high street seem to be particularly pungent at present ? If so, it would seem slightly ironic that the situation has worsened since the employment of 'KUNZ', who are now, apparently, responsible for such matters in Tunaville.

Meanwhile the number of empty beer cans lying strewn along the pavement, continues to multiply in the proximity of 'Horsley's Hi-Fi'. Would a representative of this company care to comment as to when they intend to sort out such problems ?

Name and address supplied

I could not help but note a series of disparaging comments and remarks in your columns of late regarding our most august body, the National Bank of Tunaville, and certain of its officers, myself included. Some of the more personal attacks are indeed bordering on the defamatory.

As the senior local representative of this most prudent, and caring, institution I feel it is time to set the record straight with the good people of Tunaville. You are undoubtedly aware that our motto is 'National bank of Tunaville - Caring for the Community'. In this sympathetic mode we have been listening of late to many grumblings from our esteemed customers that the location of our branch, at the quiet end of the village, did not best suit their needs, particularly when that need was to cash a cheque for a quick tenner before visiting the Rose and Crown, which is some way along the street from our office. Indeed many felt that our working hours also did not meet this particular need which often occurs around 9.00pm.

To partially offset the problem we had been considering, for some time, a move to Number 44 which is directly opposite the Rose and Crown. However on a purely cost/benefit analysis (which as bankers we love) we were having trouble in justifying this move. Now, as with life, just as a door appears to be shut something comes along which helps you open it. Here at the National Bank of Tunaville we have been working feverishly to ensure all our systems, franking machine etc are fully tried and tested to ensure no trace of that dreaded malady, the Year 2000 Bug. Everything has been progressing nicely, thank you, except for one rather important item. Despite strenuous efforts by all involved, not least the dear old lady herself, we have been unable to make Mrs Miggins, our venerated teller (that's cashier to some of you), Year 2000 compliant. She has also refused to work 24 hours per day 7 days a week (including holidays). Mrs Miggins therefore had to go!

This has given us a wonderful opportunity to replace her with a fully compliant, and I must admit more attractive, Automated Telling Machine (ATM). Now, as things would have it, when we applied to the Tunaville Town Council (conservative) to knock a hole in the wall of our existing premises to get Mrs Miggins out and get the ATM installed, they refused to grant us the necessary permission. It's a listed building you see, and such improvements are not allowed. So, in effect the move to Number 44 has been more or less forced on us by the Tunaville Town Council (conservative). However I'm sure that now you all know the facts you will agree that it's for the best. You can get your tenner out of the ATM any time for a quick stroll across the road to the Rose and Crown.

Which leads me nicely on to the topic of some of the remarks of a more personal nature. It has been remarked that my assistant and myself seem to spend an inordinate amount of time within the premises of the Rose and Crown. I know that here within the village we all pride ourselves on our self sufficiency and lack of dependency on the big outside world with its talk of derivatives trading, managed futures, direct debits and pursuit of the 'fast buck'. However even here in Tunaville I would expect the phrase 'Business Development' to at least ring a bell (this is in no way connected to any activities of Rev Mullins) with even the most narrow minded of our letter writing citizens.

During the hours 12.00 - 3.00pm I meet with more of the Bank's customers in the Rose and Crown than I do in the entire 2 other hours I spend in the office. On occasion I have even been known to provide cash for the aforementioned 'tenner cheques' right there in the snug. Is this Private Banking or what? Therefore not only am I conducting Business Development in my own lunch break, I am also carrying out a very useful community service. This is often called 'mobile banking'.

I would hope that in these very few brief words I have laid any fears which the good citizens of the community may have had regarding our move to Number 44, and indeed of my own Business Development activities.

Yours truly

The Banker,
National Bank of Tunaville - Caring for the Community

(footnote: Mrs Miggins is currently meeting with her Union representative at Bigtown regarding what she claims is unfair dismissal due to competition from a younger and more attractive model of teller (cashier). However unless he can find some way to make her Year 2000 compliant her case would not seem to have much merit)