' It has always been a shame to me that for people in Tunaville to acquire a pet, they always have to make a lengthy journey to Bigtown. Having just come into some money I have been thinking of how to invest it. Then by coincidence, I have recently, regularly overheard discussions in the 'Rose and Crown' amongst the chaps, about their love of animals, particularly it seems, of birds; budgies, canaries and the like and also of hamsters and gerbils. This got me thinking and I have decided to go ahead.

I have already taken some advance orders and it looks like there is real demand. Mr. Aslett, who runs the local garage, wants delivery of six canaries and three gerbils and Mr. Horsley told me that if I can supply, he has in mind some pretty weighty orders as he apparently has a good number of contacts looking for such animals. Goodness knows what he will do with them - I hope they are not for eating !"

Mr.A Walsh of Kunz Environmental expressed sympathy for the fears of Garden Centre proprietor Mr Donaldson over the possible loss of business.

"Business at the Centre should not be affected during the relatively short construction period of five to six years. Well not much anyway. Never forget that the facility is being built for the convenience of the whole community and we can't let this project go down the pan."

" 'kin unbelievable. That's all I can say. Just when we seem to have got some sort of traffic order back to Tunaville after that terrible fiasco with the traffic lights at the junction of Pattens Hill and the High Street, and then this happens. I mean, I like a piss as much as the next person but do we really need to build a huge great big new "out house' for such a tiny village ?"

Ms. Kilburn-Toppin expressed "surprise" at the amount of attention that has been given to the Friday night 'session' attended by most members of the netball team and the subsequent arrest of Ms Bindi Gupta, proprietor of the local corner shop.

Landlord, Paul Mullins, was disgusted at the behaviour of the Tigers.

"Let just say they just did not behave like Ladies. "The pub was in shambles, there were girls dancing on the bar and the place resembled a 'go-go' bar and I just didn't know what got into Ms Bindi. I had to call Special Constable Tinker to calm things down."

"I was was quite taken aback I can tell you. On my arrival at the scene of the alledged incident I discovered that Ms Kilburn-Toppin, the Tiger's Captain, had handcuffed Mr Ian McKinney, the Manager of the National Bank, to a chair and was about to do "some serious damage". Luckily I got there in the nick of time."

"I was most impressed with the "jugs" on show. The place was absolutely rocking. Those Netball girls do like a larf."

Additionally an unknown chap with reddish hair wearing a Genk shirt thought Ms Natalie Madden's pole dancing was brilliant and was quite keen to offer her a job at the local "Pussycats" in Bigtown.

Just as it appeared that Special Constable Tinker had started to restore some order to the saloon bar, Ms Bindi Gupta, who had been spotted drinking Old Speckled Hen quietly in the corner, suddenly proceeded to smash up chairs and tables.

"I couldn't believe it. Dear Ms Bindi who has that lovely smile, nodding head and is always so gracious, aimed what sounded like verbal abuse at Mr Paul Mullin, the Landlord. I think she said "I hope your bottom burns in hell" and "I like to shove my chapattis up you wots' it. I got the impression that there was some bad blood between the Landlord and Ms Bindi Gupta."

"I heard Ms Bindi shout "Girl Power" and "Bindi Spice" as she went for Mr. Mullin. the resulting mayhen was . . well, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it."