"In football terms, a game of this nature will be a little like scaling Everest" commented player-manager Wizard Donaldson. "But we're up for the challenge and Bigtown with all their big name stars will not take us likely, of that I am sure. Who knows what can happen, it's a funny old game football."

"Tunaville is an incredibly affluent village and we simply do not need the extra money. Furthermore we simply can't be bothered to have the added hassle of finding a parking space in Bigtown on a busy Saturday afternoon, made worse by the festive season."

"We will have to be very vigilant in our efforts to ensure there will be no unnecessary trouble in Tunaville on the day of the big game. Special Constable Tinker will also be on duty before he has to rush off to get changed for the match. With the help and common sense of all concerned we are sure there will be no problems. Of particular concern will be the 'Rose and Crown' and we are not sure yet whether we will have to close the pub on the day."

TIGERS ON THE RAMPAGE

Lexington Lillies 9 - Tunaville Tigers 40

Tigers were on form from the start and never looked back. Ms Katherine Clark, Goal Attack, returning from injury regained her place in the team and scored a succession of superb goals with captain Ms Kilburn-Toppin unselfishly stepping back into her usual Goal Defence role.

Ms Kilburn-Toppin commented that Ms Clark's form couldn't just be put down to her recent breast enlarging operation referring to allegations voiced by the Lexington camp. Ms Kilburn-Toppin went on to comment

"The opposition made much of the "silicon" advantage which they claim results in greater aerodynamics and subsequently more bounce on the ball. However, I categorically deny this or any other accusations".

Lexington Lillies are now appealing to the officiating body and we have been informed that Ms Clark's sports bra will be investigated before any ruling is made. The Gazette GUARANTEES to keep it readers 'abreast' (are you sure ? Ed.) of further developments.

'Firstly the lad skips training and then, when he does re-appear, he can hardly walk, having put his back out due to lifting something heavy. I was desperate to sort out Tim's situation with the club and with the current cup run and his ban coming to an end,I was hoping to have him available at the weekend for the all important match against Slightlybiggerhampton-by-sea. Unfortunately this now seems highly unlikely.

At least we have had a chance to air our differences and it is with pleasure that I announce he is considering signing a new contract, within the confines of the current wage structure of the club.It's now up to him to buckle down and focus on achieving the standard we all know he is capable of, without the normal distractions. We know he's a bit head-strong at times, but he's young and he'll learn eventually - we hope!'

'My client Mr. Horsley is very happy with the discussions he has had with the management of Tunaville Rovers and on recovery from his current injury looks forward to competing for his place in the side. Rover's blood runs through his veins and he is 100% behind the team and their efforts in both League and Cup. Please now could he be allowed to live a normal life without constant hassle from the media. Thank you.'

HAT-TRICK HERO LUCAS SECURES ROVERS WIN

Rovers 4 - Slightlybiggerhampton-By-Sea 0

The star of the show was undoubtedly Tim Lucas who gave a terrific display from midfield and proved the catalyst for all of Tunaville's attempts on goal. Indeed he himself found the net on three occasions in the 23rd, 41st and 64th minutes, with Tinker adding a fourth just before the final whistle in the 89th minute. It was an awesome display from the Rovers, one that had the manager glowing with pride.

'This was a terrific display from the lads and one that they can rightly be very proud of. We now go into the hat for the next round and I can tell you nobody will be wanting to come to the Park after a performance like that !'

'Yes I would have to say that today I was brilliant, but then I have been all season. I had to laugh, after completing my hat-trick Dave Dodd in the dressing room asked 'are you three Mr.Lucas?' - it had us all in stitches.'

Rovers : Slaughter, Aslett, Mullins, Rev Mullin, McKinny, Mitchell, Lucas, Tinker, Dodd, Donaldson(c), Walsh (56th min replaced by Neville.)