Can you help, I think I may have made a dreadful mistake.

You see this week my company has arranged a very important function for all their important staff and customers to be held at 'Hotel du Tunaville', outside by the swimming pool. This is obviously a very important occasion for me, as I will be 'on parade' endeavoring to ingratiate myself with the upper levels of the management hierarchy.

The problem is that being somewhat short of genuine customers myself I have instead invited along several friends to act as such. I am now beginning to have second thoughts, as I know they all enjoy a drink and with the swimming pool nearby, I am sure something is bound to happen to embarrass me. What can I do ?

I don't want to appear anxious but I know that if I mention to them, that they have to be on their best behavior, this will only encourage them further to misbehave. Furthermore what if one of them should mention in front of my boss about my dodgy expense claims ? I am very nervous about the situation. Am I worrying unduly ? Your advice would be much appreciated.

Yours,

'Worried' of Tunaville

Anyway to solve your problem you could suggest to the company personnel who are organising the event that everybody comes in fancy dress. As Disney is big news at the moment (re the new Disney Park to be opened in Tunaville) everybody could come dressed as a Disney character e.g. Mickey Mouse, Goofy etc. etc. and if things got a bit out of hand and people ended up in the swimming pool, well nobody would know who threw who in as it were, and your face would be "saved".

Just as a suggestion, you yourself could go dressed as "Dopey" as that is exactly what you are!!! Have a wonderful night and don't even give the dodgy expenses claim a thought - That will be picked up by the Company's Auditors in due course.

I wonder whether you can help as my problem is rather delicate You see I do so enjoy drinking the pints of 'Speckled Hen' served at the 'Rose and Crown'. It's just simply delicious and kept so well by the landlord. My problem is afterwards. I seem to suffer from dreadful flatulence. This is obviously not very pleasant for other people within my vicinity, particularly when in bed.

In my business life this is beginning to cause problems. As an example I had a meeting with the local Bank manager the other day and despite being dreadfully polite and not mentioning anything, he could not fail to have noticed an unfamiliar odour in his office.

Your advice would be appreciated, but please do not ask me to give up the 'Speckled Hen',

Regards,

Concerned of Tunaville

The first and obvious one would be to invest in a pair of bicycle clips which would only be effective, of course, if you were wearing long trousers - wouldn't work too well in a pair of shorts!

The second solution would be to use all that extra "flatulence" to power a hot-air balloon or air ship. The hot air balloon could be used to advertise the Tunaville Millenium Celebrations which would save a bit of cash which would normally have been paid out for more conventional fuel. The resultant savings could then be given to a charity of your choice therefore killing two birds with one fart!

Another solution would be to become the Millenium Firework and simply put a match to the escaping methane gas - that way you could start the New Millenium off with a blast and a few sparklers and give the good folks of Tunaville a spectacular display!

The choice is yours. If you really don't want to give up drinking the Speckled Hen - Happy Farting!