. . at least until the novelty wears off!

 

5th November 1999 Weather : Getting a bit parky !

HALLOWEEN FRACAS ENDS AS DAMP SQUIB

Police were called to a disturbance at the Manor house on the Halloween weekend after reports of a disturbance of the peace. Local resident David Dodd was walking down Pettits Lane, the pleasant leafy walkway adjoining onto the grounds of the manor house, when he heard what he later described as a lound crash followed by a man's voice delivering a stream of swearing and abuse.
"I was concerned for the safety of my neighbours" said Mr Dodd as he attempted to explain why his mobile phone call describing himself as 'Witness to a horrible, violent incident at the manor house' brought six squad cars from Big Town to the scene.

"I must admit that I felt a little foolish later but I suppose I was a little nervous of strange things going on - what with it being Halloween and everything. The fact that I had my new mobile phone with me - was just a stroke of luck as I am not very good with these things as a rule - they are so small these days that I keep losing them.

So when that Nice Mr Donaldson came walking down the lane I must admit that I was much relieved. It was a bit strange as he was carrying what looked like part of a broken toilet seat, but he was smoking a cigarette as if he didn't have a care in the world." According to Mr Donaldson, " . . . the incident was of a domestic nature and, as Tunavillian's home is his castle, it was none of your business."

Mr Dodd faces a charge of wasting police time. Mr Donaldson said that he is contemplating suing the Big Town police force for the damage to his front lawn and for trauma and stress to his collection of rare Japanese Coy Carp that resulted from what he later described as "quite unnecessary" handbrake turns on arrival.

Rumours that Mrs Suzie Donaldson had retained the services of a local contractor to repair damage done to the bathroom as a result of an ill-judged attempt at DIY (according to sources) could not be confirmed at time of writing as Mrs Donaldson was shopping and unavailable for comment.

 

MYSTERY VIRUS HITS TUNAVILLE

Medical experts remain baffled as to how the entire staff of the Tunaville Gazette managed to succumb to a mystery illness just hours before publishing last weeks Gazette.

Despite strenuous efforts to resurrect various members of both the editorial and printing staff, it was subsequently not possible for the gazette to be published - The first time the presses have not rolled in Tunaville for 183 years.

"It was really weird" said Acting Deputy Chief Editor Tim Lucas. "We'd all been out for a few pints of Speckled Hen at the Rose to celebrate putting the latest edition to bed. Anyway, after about what I think was maybe the seventeenth or eighteenth round, we all started to feel a bit on the dizzy side. I didn't really take much notice of it at the time but after about five or six more, it was really starting to get quite annoying. Anyway, at that time I thought it might be a good idea to go home, what with the pub having been closed for a good couple of hours or so. Sure enough, the next morning, I was completely floored by this mystery illness."
Another member of the Gazette team in the Rose and Crown was Agony Aunt, Annie.
"I'd sunk about my eighth or ninth large malt. I wasn't really drinking because I was doing the late night bus run back in from BigTown. Anyway, I just had a couple more for the road when I began to feel quite light headed. It was very peculiar indeed. Anyway, I left the pub, picked up the no 16 from the garage and only just managed to complete my route before having to retire to bed. Anyway, next morning I felt absolutely dreadful. The assistant chief editor of the Gazette called me up to see if I could give them a hand but there was no chance. I was floored !
The Gazette has made extensive enquiries as to the quality of the drinks being served in the Rose and Crown last Thursday but all tests have proved negative. Landlord, Mr. Paul Mullin was not available for comment.