Recently I have spent a considerable amount of time travelling. Whenever I ring home the telephone is answered by a male voice who claims to be the new domestic helper/driver. However, whenever I return home I am informed by my wife that she has had to sack the new hire for being unreliable.

My question has two points, is finding reliable staff really such an issue in our community and can you recommend an agency that may be able to help ?

Yours,

Concerned

I do not think that you should be too concerned if when you call home the telephone is answered by a variety of different male voices as no doubt your good wife will get through rather a lot of male helpers while you are away on business.

Provided they do not hang around offering the services of their sisters to you when you are home on leave this should not prove a problem to you, indeed you need not trouble yourself even thinking about your wife's domestic arrangements.

To answer your second question there is a reputable agency run by Vikki (telephone Tunaville 778) who have a plentiful supply of personable staff where you may find someone suitable for your requirements.

For want of a better forum to address my problem, I have decided to seek your advice on fashion.

I have been comfortably wearing more or less the same style of clothing for, well, a long time. Recently I have noticed more and more of the younger gentlemen about town wearing what would appear to be trousers without pleats on the front. Now I have worn pleats on my trousers since my Birmingham Bags days and I am curious about this new 'style'.

Should I experiment with new styles, or will this lead me down the slippery path of 'Fashion Slavery'. Your advice/opinion would be appreciated.

Yours rather dowdily,

Fashion Conscious

P.S. Do you think Cavalry Twills should have a single or a double pleat?

The new style of wearing trousers is very low slung across the hips so that part of the bottom is actually showing (not a pretty sight in most cases and was usually reserved for workmen on building sites). However if you feel you really would like to be a bit more fashionable I would suggest you put a pleat down the back of your Cavalry Twill trousers and wear them so low across your hips that your "bum cleavage" is showing - wearing your trousers like this will bring you bang up to date in the fashion stakes.

One piece of advice - if you do intend to wear your trousers as mentioned above do not wear large baggy white cotton underpants from M&S - do invest in a pair of trendy Calvin Klein Jockey Shorts with the name on the waistband - thus by showing the make of your knickers and your bum cleavage at the same time you will be carrying off a "double whammy" on the fashion front. Do not be frightened of experimenting but do be prepared for some snide comments from your friends!!!

I am a recent arrivee in Tunaville and I am desperate for advice.

Can you please tell me where I can buy an Aussie Meat Pie ?

Thank you.

Goods from Bindi's Corner Shop do not come cheap so if you are prepared to put your dollars up front she'll get them from you. Delivery is six weeks - so they will probably be a bit "off" by the time you receive them. Happy eating!

Im concerned. I've been getting all of these 'hang ups' on the phone lately. People asking 'is that Victoria's Bordello ?' (who is that person), some heavy panting and then they hang up. Why do they call me and who told them about Victoria's in the first place. I am certainly no relation to that Victoria, who ever she is.

Why do I keep getting calls from strange women saying that they want to work for me. One of them even said she didn't wear underwear when she wore tights, Why would I want to know that. I run a very reputable business! No Hanky Panky ! Just a very cosy coffee shop, and yes I do need help in the shop, but it is only for serving and by that I mean COFFEE !!!

So my question Annie is, would you think there are any truly nice women out there that would be happy to serve coffee to my clients . . er . sorry . .customers or should I close my business down as the profits are dwindling and the bank is sitting on my tail. As you have seen I have advertised in the classifieds ads section. Do you think the wording was wrong ? It would seem so as the only calls I have had are from horny men looking for something, though I'm not sure what, as I only serve coffee.

Annie you know lots of nice girls. Do you think any of them would to make a lot of money in a short time? I pay really well you see, and they don't have to work full time. I'm willing to be quite flexible with their hours of work. I just really want them to keep my customers happy while serving them JUST coffee. Darn good coffee it is too.

Regards,

Vikki

Let's put things into perspective and see what we come up with :

(a) You could phone Mr McKinney the Manager of the National Bank of Tunaville and ask him to up your overdraft limit (if he is reluctant to do so you could use a bit of blackmail i.e. like telling his wife how often he comes in for COFFEE) - that should take the pressure off your finances for a time.

(b) You could advertise for reliable staff in the "Employment for Bored Housewives" section of the Gazette. I trust you would be looking for nice, ordinary local girls and not brassy, busty, blonde "incomers" to serve your Coffee. Nice wholesome (not whoresome) girls to serve your nice wholesome fare is what you should be looking for. Ladies that don't wear knickers under their tights should not be encouraged.

(c) As for the horny men ringing up - do you think you could give them my number - it's Tunaville 876. Otherwise you could ask the Tunaville Phone Company to give you an ex-directory number which should help matters.

I certainly hope that the above has given you a few ideas on how you can rectify your present situation. If you still get "no satisfaction" you can write to me again and we'll see what else we can do!!!

I have recently made a number shopping trips to a wholesale distributing base in order to re-stock on supplies. Something I've found frequently necessary during the recent upturn in business. On one such trip however, I was intrigued by the behaviour of one of my friends and colleagues who is usually quite mild mannered and unobtrusive.

During discussions we were having with one particularly awkward wholesaler who had a penchant for brandishing a knitting needle throughout negotiations, she launched into a tirade of abuse and physical outrage, totally out of character with her normal demure manner.

I wonder, is this a condition inherently related to the retailing process as a whole. If so should I consider choosing my shopping partners more carefully in future?

Yours with concern,

Judy Lucas

The fact that she was brandishing a knitting needle should not cause you any alarm - it was probably aimed at the shopkeeper or her friend and not at you personally. I think probably a little trip to Vietnam in the Spring for a bit of "retail therapy" is what is required Perhaps you should volunteer to go along with her - husband Visa Card permitting!!

I recently overheard a conversation my husband was having with a friend about Nipple Piercing. What is it, what happens and why do people do it?

I believe that some of my husbands favourite footballers are Nipply Pierced..Does this offer any pointers ?

Yours Truly,

Intrigued

P.S. I also heard him talking about a Prince Albert, I can only assume he had his done.

However if your husband does intend having his pierced you could consider having yours pierced as well then you could swap rings, chains etc. to enhance both your beauty. I believe the nightly dabbing of the pierced holes with Dettol is excruciatingly painful but if inflicting pain on each other is your "thing" then by all means go for it!!