The latest High Street change has left a bad taste in my mouth, literally! Are ham and pickle sandwiches supposed to curl at the edge? Are they supposed to be sold 10 days past the sell-by date?

Looks like it is back to the Rose & Crown for my lunch in future, which is also galling as I vowed never to return since coming upon the proprietor of the hi-fi Shop eating the Mint Imperials from the Gents urinals one afternoon.

Yours Heartburningly,

As Managing Director of KUNZ it fall upon me to set the record straight with respect to the state of the local environmental services (drains and rubbish).

As you are well aware the local council (conservative) decided to 'contract out' its environmental services in order to improve them. This has been not a moment too soon. The faint odour from the drains experienced in isolated locations in the village is the result of many years of mismanagement and disrepair of the waste water system. Too many people have been guilty of having a blinkered "pull the chain and it will go away" attitude and have ignored the longer-term consequences of pollution.

Having only just having been appointed, KUNZ have embarked on researching a long-term drainage improvement plan. In carrying out detailed research several major "discrepancies" have appeared. For instance despite the existence of a receipt in the sum of TUN$2,000 for the provision of a blood and offal trap at Slaughter's the Family Butchers there is no record plan of such a facility being installed. Still, I suppose that a little bit of blood and guts in the village pond now and again never hurt anybody!

No, Tunaville, you cannot blame KUNZ for the present state of affairs.

The good news is that preliminary studies indicate the need for a new sewage treatment plant and construction plans are already under way. The site is the only suitable site available and takes up the large piece of waste ground adjacent to the Garden Centre. Construction of a full facility will require a small compulsory purchase order but only for half of the Garden Centre car park. Whether the Centre will be allowed to operate with only half a car park is not a matter for KUNZ.

Fear not Tunaville, help is on its way.

Andrew Walsh,
Managing Director KUNZ Environmental

I read in a UK daily newspaper recently that over 90 per cent of all bank notes in circulation in the United Kingdom have traces of cocaine on them. Is this true of our own Tunaville Bank notes? If so, I'll be down to see that nice Mr. McKinney on Monday morning !

Yours,

I have just read the recent edition of the Tunaville Gazette and I feel compelled to write and tell you what a wonderful publication it is. I particularly enjoyed the new "Ask Annie" feature - what a wonderful insight she has - just the sort of person to help the good townsfolk of Tunaville deal with the problems and stresses of living in the closing days of the twentieth century. The Editorial too was entertaining - obviously there is some great wit amongst the staff of the Gazette. It must be a fun place to work. Keep up the good work.

Yours faithfully

As a scoolteacher, I feel I must draw your attention to the increasing number of grammatical errors that have been creeping into the pages of the Gazette recently. For instance, Mr. Slaughter the butcher was described as having a 'residents' in a recent news story. Additionally, apostrophes are generally misused. I encourage all pupils at St. Blurt's to read the Gazette to assist their English studies but I'm afraid I may have to amend that policy as frequent errors of this type are doing education a disservice. However, it occurs to me that you may wish to consider engaging the services of a proficient proof reader on a part-time basis, an arrangement that may prove to be mutually beneficial as I'm free by 4pm and my rates are very reasonable.

Yours faithfully,

Arthur Pedant
Assitant Principal
St. Blurt's

I am fed up of reading about "only men sports" - what's wrong with a bit of coverage of our local women's Track & Field and surprisingly no mention of our prestigious Women's Tunaville Tigers Netball team currently topping the Bigtown First Division. The latter is most disappointing because they regularly draw a large crowd of supporters. The Reverend Mullins is apparently their biggest fan and turns up to all the games - he evens provides the team with spiritual guidance and orange squash during breaks.

I think a little equality wouldn't go amiss and the Tunaville Tigers deserve at least a mention in the Sports Round-up.

Yours,

I notice that the responsibility of arranging delivery our daily newspapers has now passed from Mr. Lucas to Mrs. Gupta of Bindi's corner shop. Does this mean that they now may hopefully arrive at our doorsteps on time ?

What is going on at the National Bank of Tunaville! Through the letter's column of the Gazette there has been much comment made about the community's inability to access the bank during the lunchtime period and now the inevitable has happened. Poor Mr. Slaughter has had his weekly takings pinched due to this very reason. What is the response of our erstwhile bank manager. I'll tell you what - he proposes to sack Mrs. Miggins and install one of those ghastly A.T.M. machines so that more people can have the convenience of popping over from the pub to get their tenner when required.

Is Mr. McKinney in cahoots with our local landlord on this one as they both would seem to do very nicely out of this cosy relationship. The takings at the Rose and Crown will no doubt increase and with an ATM machine, there would seem to be little reason for the bank to open in the first place, which would seem to imply longer sessions in the Snug bar for all banking staff !

Furthermore after 153 years without any change in monetary policy, Mr. McKinney now hints that a change is possible. For what reason ? To justify his job most likely, if you ask me.

I thought in Tunaville we had escaped the current trend of replacing people made of flesh and blood by numbers on a print-out but alas this would now seem not to be the case. Only last week the bank wrote me a very polite letter informing me my account was in credit and that I would be charged TUN$ 10.00 for the privilege of supplying such information. When's it all going to end ? I demand some form of public explanation,

Yours,

Am I the only one who finds the 'juke-box' in the Rose and Crown a little dated. I understand that people do still enjoy the classics, but the emphasis of most of the CD's is from the 70's and 80's. Now I enjoy 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and 'Smoke on the water' as much as anybody, but could the landlord not offer a little variety in the selection offered.

I counted seven Genesis albums the other evening and one of those duplicated the others as it was a 'greatest hits' album. What about some of the newer acts now available - 'Puff Daddy', 'Run DMC', 'Fatboy Slim' etc. I could go on as the list is endless. Come on landlord - get with the 90's and give your punters a reasonable choice in their taste of music !

Yours,

I'm bored with Led Zeppelin tracks.

I was disappointed to read that one of my esteemed customers was offended that kids can have access to certain magazines in my local corner shop. I can not recall any children flicking through Men's magazines except that perhaps, it was a case of mistaken identity.

I have often spotted a short bald man with sunglasses and wearing rather long shorts wandering around my shop. He looks very familiar and has a funny accent. He is particularly fond of that magazine section. Frankly, he makes me quite uncomfortable because he has started to place little cherries in my belly button due to my Sari not covering my entire mid-drift.

I care deeply about the views of my customers, I shall now stop stocking such "Men's magazines", and instead, I shall introduce a home delivery service for these magazines which will be delivered by my new paperboy.

Yours kindly,

I was intrigued by your report of the local butcher's unfortunate experience at the hands of a robber (Tunaville Gazette, 8 October). It brought to mind a similar experience I had just after the war. I had only recently returned from three years abroad and still suffered slightly from the effects of shell shock so I had developed the habit of calling into the Rose and Crown each night for a few drinks to help me relax. It's amazing how a dozen or so pints of Old Speckled Hen can steady the nerves.

This particular evening, I was tucked up in bed, comatose after a particularly heavy drinking session at the Rose and Crown when I woke with a start. I switched on the lamp to see my next-door neighbour, young Dave Dodd, getting stuck into my lady wife like a steam piston. Apparently Mr. Dodd had been sleepwalking and, for some reason, imagined that he was at home with his own wife.

In turn, my good lady, being in a rather drowsy state herself, naturally assumed I was the perpetrator of this amorous display. Of course Mr. Dodd was extremely embarrassed but, luckily, we all saw the funny side.

The odd thing was thing was that Mr. Dodds had evidently gained entry to our house through the toilet window! A bizarre coincidence, eh?

Yours enquiringly,