Police were called to "The Manor House" on Wednesday night to investigate an unrelated incident. During a search of the premises knocking sounds coming from the Manor House Cellar alerted Chief Constable Thompson. Upon forcing the door the Chief Constable was confronted by the sight of 12 paperboys in what appeared to be Cavalry Tweed trousers and Shooting Jackets.

Said Chief Constable Thompson :

"These poor lads had apparently been going about their normal newspaper distribution duties when they were coerced into the cellar with a promise of a look at the owners family jewels. Once inside they were forced to enter into a macabre re-enactment of a Public School Dining Room scenario".

Ms Angela Bishop, the local GP, verified that the boys were in fact unharmed and with counseling should be able to return to the local comprehensive within a matter of weeks.

She also added a word of caution,

"It is all very well trying to benefit people less fortunate than oneself from ones own experiences, but frankly, if one does have aspirations to be a teacher or a Head Prefect then one should attend the appropriate Teacher Training College and not instead establish a practice of procuring impressionable young boys in an attempt to start up ones own school".

"Yes, it is true they are very popular with many of my customers and they do have a very distinctive taste, but besides that there is nothing unusual about them and I am flabbergasted why this should be an issue for the police, who I might add have proved to be one of the keenest buyers in recent days."

"It was strange" commented PC Thompson, " but normally people at an accident of this magnitude appear very edgy and worried, whereas when I arrived Mrs. McKinney was already hugging Mr. Aslett telling him what a great guy he was and when questioned they both wanted to take responsibility for what had happened. Mr Aslett informed me and here I quote "It's no hassle man, everything's cool, hang loose there baby and just relax, everything will be hunky-dory."

The police are due to publish the result of their extensive enquiries next week.

Taking a break from their current world tour, SKUTTLER set up shop on Saturday night at Tunaville Rovers Football Stadium and delivered three hours of pure musical heaven. Fans came from near and far to catch a glimpse of the band that in the last six years has taken the rest of the world by storm, delivering a mix of soul and passion that could only have emanated from here in Tunaville.

From the mystical opening chords of 'Hatchet Man' from the hugely successful concept album 'Central East' to the inevitable closing anthem '10,000 Tramps' taken from the album of the same name, SKUTTLER were on tip top form.

The energetic bass lines delivered with consummate ease from the 5 string bass of 'Big' Willy Treece lay down the foundation upon which the rest of the band traversed flawlessly. 'Sticks' Hopewell, incidentally the only member of the band not to have grown up in Tunaville, kept a cool head directing proceedings from behind a quite prolific percussion set up and was certainly not overawed by the occasion of his fellow band members homecoming.

Lead guitarist, 'Knuckles' gave his usual exemplary performance, his fingers an absolute blur as they wound their way up and down his now infamous 1967 Tinkermaster II. To touch the instrument would have been sufficient for most of the eager crowd but to listen to the sounds created by the master of the frets on Tunaville soil was more than they could have ever hoped for.

As the band churned out hit after hit, the atmosphere grew to almost fever pitch. Keith 'Seders' Sedergreen played the crowd to perfection providing an eclectic combination of closeness and power that only a front man of Sedergreens quality can. One genuinely felt that the sweat on his forehead was produced especially for the Tunaville crowd that night and if he could have bottled it for each and every one of them, he surely would.

Finally, as the strains of the seventh encore 'Camel-Man' taken from the 'Five Eighths Half' EP, rose into the clear night air, the crowd unwillingly started to drift home, happy in the knowledge that 'their' SKUTTLER were continuing to carry the message of Tunaville to the four corners of the globe and they were taking a little piece of them with them.

 
NB : Speculation that the SKUTTLER concert was in someway associated with a rumoured event, "Dodd Aid" have been strenously denied by all parties concerned. Mr David Dodd of Dodd's Book Emporium stated that the allegations were entirely without foundation and that he had never on any occasion asked anyone to perform on his behalf whilst a spokesman for SKUTTLER commented "Dave Who ?"