Please help. Last weekend I attended a party hosted by some very dear friends of mine. On the way to the event however, I fear I may have stepped through a hole in the space time continuum causing me to enter a different time dimension.

The reason for this potentially preposterous presumption ? Everyone at the party was dancing around their handbags. Am I correct to be concerned or is this craze from the mid-seventies coming back into fashion ?

Yours,

Name and address supplied.

During the seventies, they did indeed dance around their handbags (or indeed danced with their handbags due a lack of any fanciable male totty). Would I also be correct in thinking that they were dancing to hits of the seventies i.e. Abba's Dancing Queen etc. etc? It all sounds very sad.

Note: It is a fact that during the seventies ladies danced with their handbags instead of dancing with men because the male species of the seventies were indeed an odd lot - feathered haircuts, mustaches, kipper ties (with matching shirts), suits with VERY WIDE lapels, flairs, loons, tie-dye t-shirts.

I know its hard to believe but they did actually wear suits with shirts and ties to discos in an attempt to attract the ladies so is it any wonder the ladies prefer to dance with a lump of cowhide and a few brass buckles?

Indeed it may be coming back into fashion as males these days have started wearing ladies knickers - the ladies may prefer dancing with a handbag than a man wearing a g-string and wonderbra!

Please, please help me. I just don't know what to do. I was looking forward to a nice Xmas holiday, chestnuts roasting 'round an open fire etc. but it's been absolutely ruined by a house guest who just refuses to leave.

I guess I've only got myself to blame after showing some Yuletide spirit in offering to share our hospitality with him this festive season, but no sooner than he arrived at our door on Xmas eve all hell broke loose. We've been visited by customs and excise twice in the past week. (It would appear that they just don't believe that all the alcohol entering our house is for personal consumption) and the local Hells angels appear to have established a temporary chapter outside out back door.

Our neighbours have been constantly complaining about the constant barrage of foul language coming from our upstairs window and our domestic helper (Dottys cousin) has refused to leave her room now for 10 days.

Please help ? How can I diplomatically tell him to piss off yet remain friends?

Best regards,

Name and Address Withheld

You just have to stand firm, tell him that you have found religion, stopped drinking, started eating only deep-fried bean curd and that really he wouldn't find anything enjoyable about staying in your home again. This will probably put him off and he will go looking for somewhere else to stay and will leave you free to roast your nuts 'round an open fire, sorry... your chestnuts!