An anonymous male was taken into custody after allegedly breaking into the former premises of the National Bank of Tunaville. It is presumed that whilst under the influence of alcohol the individual searched the premises confused by the lack of banking facilities. (no change there Ed.) He then stumbled upon Mrs. Ida Miggins who is currently squatting in the building since losing her job at the National Bank some weeks ago.

Mrs. Miggins explained :

"Well, I was just getting ready to settle down for the evening after having my tea. I'd done myself a nice roast leg of lamb which that kind Mr. Slaughter had given me seeing that he felt so sorry for me and everything. Anyway, I was clearing up in the kitchen when I heard the sound of breaking glass. I turned around to see this shadow in the kitchen door holding what seemed to be a can of some kind. It was quite dark you see due to the fact that I can't afford any electricity and I've only got the one candle seeing as they seem to be unusually expensive recently.

Well, I wasn't taking any chances I can tell you so I reached out to grab the first thing I could get my hands on. I lurched forwards to catch him unawares and ended up restricting his movements by wrapping him in an aluminium baking sheet. Realising I'd knocked him unconscious, I then returned to the living room, switched on the battery operated TV kindly leant to me by the Rev. Mullins from his missionary supplies and watched Inspector Morse making sure to call the police when the adverts came on."

"We'll there's certainly a couple of hot leads." commented Acting Chief Constable Neville currently on secondment from BigTown. "I wouldn't be surprised to find that this turns out to be an open and shut case. All the evidence seems to point in one direction and we'll be following up on our enquiries shortly."

Chief Part Time Fire Officer Paul Mullin commented :

"We were listening to the concert on Tunaville FM when suddenly I glanced out of the window and saw an enormous glow coming from the direction of the football stadium. Well before you could say "Donny Donaldson", we were down that pole and hot-footing it down the High Street. Fortunately, Deputy Chief Part Time Fire Officer McQuigan still had her walkman on and as we approached the stadium she alerted me as to the cause of the offending glow. It's a pity really as I was quite looking forward to dousing them all with my hose"

"Well, to be honest we've all been chomping at the bit for ages and this was almost too good to be true. Recently the station was fortunate to have a new long shiny silver pole donated by Dotty from the village who said she didn't need it any more. We've been dying to try it ourselves ever since and this seemed like too good an opportunity to waste."

According to the gossip emanating from Annie's Tea rooms on the corner of Pond Street and the Avenue (a free crumpet available with every set tea purchased during happy hour), Mrs Donaldson was seen lunching at the local fish bar with a mysterious foreign gentleman who she was heard to refer to as "Dickson, darling". Maureen Mullins from the Smugglers Inn who has spent time in the Orient, later identified the man as "that Dickson Poon". Investigations by the gazette revealed that Mr Poon is the owner of Harvey Nicholls, the famous London department store.

Concerns over the future of the 135 year old Tuna Lewis Partnership have circulated for some time. The partnership whereby everyone has a stake in the company started life at the height of the co-operative movement, but has run into difficulties in recent years. A series of scandals have rocked the store's once fine reputation. The start of the school year, for example saw complaints that the store no longer stocked school uniforms in children's sizes. Although letters were written on the subject, some of Tunaville's leading local figures were dismissive of the problem. The Reverend Steven Mullins said that he felt that he was speaking for many around the village when he said that school uniforms were just as fashionable for young adults who understood how to dress attractively, as for brats that only appeared to wipe their noses on their ties and get chewing gum on their sleeves.

Nevertheless, Tuna Lewis was hurt by the story and suggestions that an unknown agent had been approaching a number of the ladies in the village and offering to buy their stakes in Tuna Lewis with the promise of "replacing it with something really super, simply fantastic Darling, instead" is certain to maintain the pressure. Local architect Brian Tilsley refused to confirm rumours that he had been commissioned to design a 3 story annex on top of the existing 2 story building, but comments from tea shop owner Anne Tinker that a restaurant on the 5th floor of such an edifice would certainly be a very tempting place for lunch after a morning's hectic shopping suggest that the idea may already be taking hold.

When asked, the local traffic warden Mrs Beverley Mullins said that there was no way that she would allow the council to move the double yellow lines from outside the building - she didn't care how essential access for shopping was.

When approached by the gazette, Mrs Donaldson was unavailable for comment as she had apparently popped out for "....a bit of lunch"