. . at least until the novelty wears off!

 

22nd October 1999 Back Page

MATCH POSTPONED DUE TO STATE OF PITCH

There was a real sense of anti-climax today when the all important cup-tie between the Rovers and SmallTown had to be postponed due to the state of the Tunaville pitch following last weekend's rock concert. The 3rd round cup game has been rearranged for Wednesday.
"Of course we are all bitterly disappointed," said player manager 'Wizard' Donaldson, "but we must not be too despondent for next weeks game. It is frustrating to be sure, especially in light of assurances we were given by local promoter, Mr. Lucas. The pitch is truly unplayable which is a shame, but I have been promised that it will be in pristine condition for the mid-week clash."
When asked about the promises made Mr. Lucas was not making any excuses.
"I was confident that the concert would do no damage to the pitch. Everything was going swimmingly, but we were then subjected to some light drizzle, at the time the band were performing their encore. We all know that the track '10,000 Tramps' has become something of an anthem to the folk of Tunaville, and when the crowd duly went crazy, that's when most of the damage was done.

There was nothing I could do to stop it. I am as bitterly disappointed as everyone else about the postponement and all I can do is offer my apologies. I know 'Skuttler' are also upset as they were planning to watch the game before popping into the Rose and Crown for a late lunch."

 

TUN$500 AND A 1 MONTH BAN

Temperamental Tunaville footballer Mr. Tim Horsley received a very stiff dressing down at his hearing held in BigTown last Wednesday, although he can consider himself lucky to have escaped with only a one month ban. His conduct in the view of the board was considered "unbecoming of a player of his stature and set a terrible example to the many youngsters in the crowd, to whom he is considered a local hero."

The career of Mr. Horsley has been marred by many controversial incidents and his liking of a drink is a well-known fact. This latest blemish, when he kung-fu kicked a member of the opposition, is certainly considered by many to be the worst blot on his copybook.

Mr. Horsley did not, it has to be said, seem to take the hearing that seriously. Asked for an explanation for his actions he replied "raw is war" in a very deep voice. The board asked for further explanation and he informed them that he was a big fan of 'WWF' broadcasts on a cable TV channel and he had seen his hero 'The Undertaker' use a similar move and was dying to try it out. This somewhat confused those present at the hearing, and on passing sentence he was told to smarten up his act or risk a lifetime ban.

Emerging from the hearing wearing dark glasses and accompanied by his glamorous girlfriend Dotty who was wearing a very fetching short leather dress and stilettos, Mr. Horsley was immediately confronted with the national press where he gave the following statement :

"I would sincerely like to apologise for my conduct and I thank the management of the Rovers for their continued support. My girlfriend and family have been very helpful and with their assistance I will endeavor to put this incident behind me. Rest assured Horsley will be back, refreshed, fitter and raring to go. I have a point to prove, so opposing teams better watch out. Thank you for your time."
Mr. Horsley and his girlfriend were ushered into the back of a waiting limousine where they were whisked away to a gathering of family and friends being held at the 'Rose and Crown' in Tunaville.