18th February 2000 Ask Annie
Dear Annie,

Having only just moved into the area, I wonder whether you can help me ?

You see I find the local television shown here to be rather drab and boring. The programs shown back home were far more interesting. Anyway I am desperate to find out what the latest developments are in a couple of dramas I watched avidly - 'Home and Away' and 'Neighbours (great theme tune by the way).

Would you be able to help me ?

Yours in a 'neighbours become good friends' sort of way,

 

You really must get out of the habit of looking back - Neighbours and Home & Away are a part of your past that you left behind. When you left your native Australia to come to these parts you should have realised that life would never be the same again. I suggest you try to slot into life in Tunaville and become immersed in village life - this will soon make you forget all things Australian.

You could try watching the local Tunaville soap opera - "Something Fishy Going on Here" which is on the television on Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings from 7.30 to 8.00 pm starring that well known character actor - Henry Codpiece. Alternatively you could start up an evening class giving instructions in Australian "culture" showing the locals how to use their digeridoos properly.

Good luck - I hope you soon become integrated into village life and become a true neighbour.

 

Dear Annie,

With reference to a letter that featured in last week's edition regarding nipple-piercing reference was made to a 'Prince Albert'. Would I be right in thinking that this would be deemed unnecessary for a man who was to wear cavalry twill slacks with pleats, as such trousers would allow both comfort and room and would be essential for people who now sport the latest fad of suit trousers that are tight in the crutch area as found now in Mark's and Spencers ?

Yours quizzically

 

To answer your question I had to refer to my dusty collection of History Books to find out exactly what a Prince Albert was. It would indeed appear that the body piercing is essential for the modern day fad of suit trousers that are tight in the crotch and totally unnecessary for any jerk who wears cavalry twill tweeds. With the help of a leather belt the lunch-box can easily be tied around the waist and hooked on to the pierced ring thus giving a very modern look to today's apparell.

As a point of interest I do believe that Vikki of Vikki's Coffee Shop is offering body piercing at amazingly low prizes for the next month while business is slow - might be worth checking out her prices.

 

Dear Annie,

The other day I was wandering down the High Street minding my own business when I was accosted by a man wearing what I can only describe as 'clerical garb' who asked me " 'ere darlin', you on your way to Vikki's are you ? How much for one on the slate ?"

I'm very confused. To what was this man referring to ? I must say as soon as he realised I had no idea as to his intentions, he was off down the road in a hurry. But I'd still appreciate an explanation all the same if you can help ?

Yours,

Mrs. Buffy Genk (rtd.)

 

Contrary to popular belief, Vikki's is in fact a very reputable coffee shop which has recently opened up in Tunaville. You must have looked as though you were "in need of one" when the vicar saw you in the High Street. I do believe Reverend Mullins frequents Vikki's on a regular basis - he says the caffeine "gets him going" - which no doubt means it puts a spring in his step to help him deliver the morning sermon.

I sincerely do not believe that anything "alternative" goes on at Vikki's but I will be watching. So Miss Vikki you have been warned . . .