With Rovers continued Cup success and heightened media attention, a Brazilian All Star XI has accepted an invitation from the Board of Directors to play in an end of season friendly in Tunaville.

Donaldson commented,

"I can hardly Adam 'n' Eve it! Not in a month of Sunday's did we expect the Brazilians to accept our invitation, but it just so happened to coincide with a break in their European tour.

I can tell you, when I told the lads at last nights training session, well, their chins nearly hit the ground and they were speechless for ages. I was sure Horsley was going to faint at one stage."

"It's absolutely amazing! When Donny told us last night at training I thought he was pulling our legs. He's been known to be a bit of a prankster in the past. We don't know who they will be fielding, but to play against the golden boys of world football has been a dream of mine since I was a spotty little kid."

"Their style of football was just so far advanced than anyone I'd ever seen before. Their effortless control, one touch moves, running off the ball and clinical finishing was enough to make one want to squirt yer fat - if you can pardon the expression."

"We have been following Tunaville's Cup run with close interest and hope that their success continues. We have heard reports that their beaches and weather are very similar to our own. We hope to have time for a bit of beach soccer with some of the local youngsters."

PC Thompson was happy to divulge details of the incident.

"We've been after this idiot for a number of weeks now, yet unfortunately he has always been able to evade us. The speeds he has been driving at are quite frankly both stupid and frightening. Anyway, we had a report that a plum coloured car had been spotted travelling very quickly down the High Street on Tuesday evening. Two squad cars immediately set off in pursuit, though we were in all honesty losing touch with the speeding vehicle.

However, the traffic lights fortunately changed to red and although I am sure the driver contemplated jumping them, his way was blocked by an HGV delivering Carlsberg beer to Lucas's Off Licence.This enabled us to catch up and were pleased to find that the car had stalled. It transpired it was a problem with the engine, which I found strange considering the obvious high price the driver must have paid for the sports car."

Chief Constable Thompson commented that she hoped that this would be a warning to other 'boy-racers', promising to throw the book at Mr. Aslett for his irresponsible behaviour.

"Furthermore" she added, "we found the car to be un-roadworthy.We attempted to drive it to the pound and found it was all over the place. There is obviously a serious problem with the power-steering."

A spokesperson for a local estate agent who commented on condition of anonymity would only confirm that the lady is American and had left that country to avoid harrassment from the tabloid press. It was confirmed that she had signed a lease on the property and hoped to stay in Tunaville "for some time".

Despite extensive investigation, the Gazette is unable to reveal the real identity of "Ms. Hornblower" at this time but have been able to speak to several residents prepared to voice their own suspicions about the mystery woman.

Landlord of the Rose & Crown, Mr. Paul Mullin, volunteered his theory:

"She called in to use the phone a couple of days ago and for a moment I thought it was that Madonna but soon discounted that idea as she didn't have blonde hair and looked a bit Jewish. Could be that Barbra Streisand now that I think about it."

"Lovely woman, she is," he observed. "Came in her yesterday to change some American dollars into TUN$ and was charm itself. When she said she intended to stay in Tunaville for a while, I recommended she open a bank account -- you can't be too careful, you know -- so she deposited a sizeable cheque from Weightwatchers. But she didn't fool me. I'd know Jackie Onassis anywhere."

"I could have sworn it was Cilla Black but what with her husband recently buried, she wouldn't have been so interested in the cigar shelf. And Cilla doesn't speak American."