ROVERS CRUSHED BY BIGTOWN

Rovers 0 - Bigtown 6

Rovers were desperate for a good start to settle what had obviously been a nervous dressing room. Unfortunately it was not to be, for in the 2nd minute of the game an innocuous looking cross was inexplicably dropped by the normally reliable Slaughter, at the feet of the opposing number 9. Events then seemed to slip from bad to worse.

Bigtown's second came by way of a penalty in the 13th minute, when McKinny, exposed for a lack of pace, needlessly fouled his opposite number. Slaughter stood no chance from the ensuing spot kick.

Number three, came just before the break, when Lucas caught dwelling on the ball for too long in midfield, needlessly put his defence in danger and Slaughter inexplicably off his line was subsequently beaten by a long range effort.The half time whistle could not come soon enough for Rovers.

The second half was delayed by five minutes due to some crowd disturbances. Unfortunately the resumption of play did not bring about a change in fortunes with Bigtown scoring twice in quick succession in the 49th and 51st minutes, both due to defensive blunders from first Mullins and then almost identically from the Rev. Mullin.

Not even the long awaited appearance of Horsley in the 65th minute could change things.The game was over as a contest with the final goal being scored in the 89th minute. It proved to be the final nail in the Rover's coffin.

Silence greeted the referee's whistle and with an unpleasant atmosphere hanging around the stadium, the Rover's players beat a very hasty retreat to the sanctuary of the dressing room, where apparently, behind a locked door an immediate post-mortum was held.

There was no official comment from the management after the game, but the Gazette did manage to get an unofficial word from one of the players, Tim Lucas, as he made his way to his car who commented "We were truly pants." The Gazette would have to agree.

Rovers : Slaughter, McKinny, Mullins, Rev. Mullin, Tinker, Mitchell, Lucas, Aslett, Dodd, Donaldson(c),Walsh (Horsley 65min).

This normally light hearted annual event turned into a drunken orgy of foul language and club throwing from a very early stage. Players had been spotted before play commenced downing bottles of Old Speckled Hen, kindly laid on by pub landlord Paul Mullin in the club car park. This continued on the course with several empty bottles of peach schnapps having to be removed from holes by members playing behind.

Members really started to kick up a fuss when they discovered local engineer Andrew 'Omis' Walsh passed out in the bunker to the right of the twelfth green. After they eventually managed to wake Mr. Walsh, he proceeded to shout obscenities before falling back into the same bunker unconscious. Mr Walsh was taken to the clubhouse in the back of the greenkeepers tractor where he was last seen passed out in the shower room.

Tim Horsley, who had been convinced not to use a golf buggy following a recent incident, proved he could do just as much damage with an electric trolley. Somehow, coming down the eighteenth fairway, he managed to let go of the trolley, watching in horror as it headed off down the hill at a fair rate of knots towards the clubhouse. After first passing straight across the eighteenth green removing the flag stick en route, the trolley then headed straight for the patio doors at the front of the members lounge. As members scurried across the lounge with the sound of the doors shattering, the trolley finally came to rest in the large open fireplace.

No one was hurt in the incident, but damage was caused to the trophy cabinet when a bottle of schnapps fell out of Mr. Horsley's bag and ignited.

At this point, the club secretary had decided enough was enough and demanded that play be halted immediately and would decide on when the society was welcome back.

" When we beat Slightlybiggerhampton in a previous round Umagummababe was on the bench for them and people may not remember, but they brought him on with three minutes to go. Perhaps in the heated atmosphere that day, this went unnoticed, but I definitely remember as the lad gave me a bit of an elbow in the 'you know whats'.

I always remember a face and I thought I'd get a bit of revenge next time. To be honest at this time of year I am so busy at work, I haven't read a paper recently, so was unaware he had only this last week signed for Bigtown.So you can imagine my surprise when I saw him trot out to play against us yesterday."