Hotly anticipated to be the highlight of an already successful run of recent plays which has included the hugely popular farce "Ooooh, Pardon !" directed by local tea shoppe owner, Anne Tinker and the controversial one man drama "Ladyboy Concerns" starring David Dodd, the Town Hall was subsequently filled to capacity.

"Things seemed to be going quite well to start with" commented Stage Director Andrew Walsh. "Mrs. Miggins had brewed up a right good pot of rosy in the foyer before hand and everyone was in fine spirits. Everyone found their seats in an orderly manner, mainly due to the fine organisational abilities of Brian Allen who had offered his services as usherette. The lights dimmed, the orchestra started and the play began. I was very confident at this point that we were in for one of our better performances."

"I came on from stage left. It had been a bit touch and go to be honest as to whether I'd make it in time. I'd had a couple of perms on the go and Dotty was otherwise engaged with another client. He'd wanted 'extras' or something like that. I'm not quite sure.

Any road up, I just made my cue and came onto the stage with my cat. Well, I was expecting the usual quick witted banter we always get at these performances and sure enough Tim Horsley didn't let me or the crowd down when he immediately shouted out 'Oooooh, I like the look of your pussy !' Oooh how we roared. He is a wit !"

Local Landlord Paul Mullin takes up the story.

"We'd had a number of locals in the Rose before the pantomime had started. I was doing a special actually. A free pickled herring for everyone who showed me their ticket for the play. Anyway, Neil had been in most of the afternoon and had been quite vocal in how he was looking forward to the evenings performance. It would appear that he had a vague but curious interest in the entire concept of pantomime and particularly the lead role in such productions. I say he'd had about 6 or 7 pints of Specked Hen by the time he left for the Town Hall."

"I was just about to go into my "Oh no it isn't" dialogue with the audience when Mr. Donaldson leapt on to the stage and started pawing at my traditional panto thighboots. He seemed besotted with them. For the next few minutes I had to perform on stage whist he clasped me by the ankles. When he started to lick the soles of my boots I knew it was time to make a swift exit."

"My immediate concern was that Mr Donaldson was going for Miss McGuigans Pussy. No one likes to see that sort of behaviour at a family show and I thought it was imperative that I intervene. When I saw that it was in fact her thighboots that were the focus of his attention I swiftly administered the 'razorback claw' move, (something I'd recently seen of the WWF) and hauled him off the stage"

"I was just thinking to myself, have I put enough stuffing in my Vol-U-Vents®, when I was hit in the eye by one of my own cheese nibbles. It would appear that the rumble between S.P.C. Tinker and Mr Donaldson had spilled over onto the buffet table and everyone though that was the signal for a bun fight. I'm gutted. I used up all my Cash and Carry discount and everything!"

Unconfirmed reports later suggest that the ensuing melee was orchestrated by Mrs. Julie Dodd, unhappy that her own pussy had been shunned for the production, adjudged not to be up to the standards of Miss McGuigans. (That's enough Pussy OK ? Ed.)

"I don't really wish to comment to be honest" she said. "Please refer all enquiries of a feline nature to my solicitor, Mr. Wheaton."

The blame would seem to lie very much with a fringe element of Bigtown supporters, who, under the influence of alcohol, were intent on vandalising the village of Tunaville. Chief Constable Fran Thompson was very outspoken on the issue :

"The local constabulary had endeavored to do everything to contain this situation. The finger needs to be pointed in my opinion at local publican Mr. Mullins. We had pleaded with him to close the 'Rose and Crown', but he rejected our request immediately. Now he has the audacity to report stolen glasses and damage to his juke-box, which I have to say is no real travesty, due to the miserable selection of up-to-date music available."

The only shop owner who could see the lighter side of yesterday's trouble was Mr. Lucas, who had apparently done a roaring trade in cider and extra strength lager.

"These football thugs seem to enjoy a bottle of Strongbow or two" he commented."Oh, and the extra strength lager was just Mr. Horsley's weekly order."

"These colours don't run mate."

"I can't believe it, it's simply fantastic. It's earning us a fortune! The public have really taken to this song, helped I must say by the great cup run being enjoyed by Rovers at the moment."

"It's one that we have really plugged on the station, because the guys were local. I have to say it's been the most requested track of all time, especially during the night from a great many truckers out there. It seems everywhere you go at present people are either humming or whistling along to this catchy ditty."

(To the tune of Mambo number 5)

One, two, three, four five,
Five thousand tramps, wanna stay alive,
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
Ten thousand tramps, need your dollars or yen,

I need a bit of special brew by my side,
A little Jack Daniels I can hide.
A rusty nail is what I need,
Another drink or a spot of weed,

One, two, three, four, five etc...."

(That's enough 10,000 Tramps OK ? Ed.)