. . at least until the novelty wears off!

 

26th November 1999 Weather : Gone right cold again

TUNAVILLE JOURNALIST 'ABDUCTED' BY ALIENS

Speculation surrounded the future of this newspaper last night as a senior editor described his abduction by alien beings. In the midst of the row concerning the non-appearance of last Friday's Gazette, Acting Deputy Chief Editor Tim Lucas called a press conference to reveal details of his shocking ordeal.
"It all started about Thursday lunchtime," recalled Mr. Lucas,"on my way back to the office after popping into the Rose & Crown for one of Mr. Mullin's tasty pies and a few pints of Old Speckled Hen. It was about 5 o'clock and as I was about to enter Gazette Towers, I realised I had left my cigarettes back in the bar. So as time was short, I helped myself to a 'roll your own' from young Ed Bean's desk. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was in the grip of some strange power."
Apparently, Mr Lucas lost his ability to function properly as the aliens' hold increased.
"I vaguely remember having no control of my mind. It was like that bit in 'Close Encounters' where the bloke can only think of that mountain. My fixation was similar only it was in the shape of a pint. After that I remember very little apart from the realization that my mind seemed separate from my body. It was pretty scary I can tell you."
Although the aliens took great care not to show themselves to Mr. Lucas, he does retain some recollection of how they looked.
"I remember that they took me to a remote area and performed some experiments on me. It was then I caught a glimpse of their appearance. They were human-like in form and oddly dressed, a bit like tramps, but I suppose those were the only human clothes they could get to hide their alien appearance. They smelled pretty inhuman as well. But I believe thay didn't intend to harm me as they kept offering me sustenance from a bottle of! alien vitamins that smelled similar to methylated spirits. "
Mr. Lucas believes that the aliens could be planning to take over the minds of eveyone working at the Gazette eventually and in that way gain control of the minds of Tunaville residents. Local police were unable to verify Mr Lucas's story as there was no evidence of any crime having been committed but we understand that investigations are continuing. Despite his ordeal, Mr. Lucas appears to have recovered completely. He was treated at the local hospital for scabies and a painful bottom. and discharged.

 

UPROAR OVER NEW 'RETAIL CLOTHING BUSINESS'

Local traders were up in arms at an extraordinary meeting of the Tunaville Chamber of Commerce last night over accusations that the proposed lingerie shop being opened in the high street by Mrs. Francesca Walker was no more than a front for a high powered distribution network for 'fetish fashion'

Allegations were voiced by a number of concerned citizens with regard to the nature of the merchandise Mrs Walker intends to offer in her 'boutique'

"Well, I thought it was going to be one of those nice little knickers and pants shops," said Mrs Miggins, recently of the National Bank of Tunaville and more lately temporary employee of the Tunaville Gazette. "It's a bit of a bind to get to Marks and Spencer in BigTown on a regular basis so I was quite looking forward to being able to replenish my weekly quota of pants on local terms. But it would appear that Mrs. Walker is catering for what I can only describe as a completely different type of clientele.
Another dissatisfied member of the Tunaville community was Mrs. Anne Tinker who runs the highly successful Annies tearooms in the high street.
"Well it's just not what my clients want to see when they leave after a pot of earl grey and a vanilla slice. I mean, is that much rubber really necessary on a daily basis and to be honest, I'm a little confused as to what the linseed oil is for ?"
One member of the Tunaville community to come under serious scrutiny at last nights meeting was National Bank branch manager, Mr. Ian McKinney. Local campaigner Mrs. Ethel Buffy Genk explained.
"I have been attempting to open up a pet shop in Tunaville for quite some time now. After extensive efforts I managed to achieve some sort of headway but my biggest stumbling block was always acquiring the correct finance. The bank were, how should I put this, limited in their ability to assist me in what they saw as an 'uninteresting' project.

Next thing I know however, Mrs. Walker has waltzed into the branch and negotiated herself a five year interest free loan on the back of some rubber panties and a latex thong, I mean it's just not on, is it?"

When questioned by the Gazette, Mr. McKinney was unavailable for comment whilst Mrs. Walker was said to be on holiday in Phuket.